Simpsons Sundays #14: Bart Gets An F

someone get this kid on ritalin ffs

With season two, we're immediately in classic territory. I can't say for sure yet if the rest of the season holds up so well, but Bart Gets An F is a perfect representation of everything I love about The Simpsons—it’s funny, yes, but it has a lot of heart, too. 

But before we get to that, let's go over the new intro! We've got a solid chalkboard gag…

…a slightly different solo on Lisa’s sax…

…this shot of Bart skating past various townsfolk…

…this shot of various citizens of Springfield…

…and finally, a couch gag where the couch falls through the floor, and the Simpsons with it. They're definitely getting more creative with the chalkboard and couch gags, which is great.

The episode proper opens on Springfield Elementary, where we hear but don't see Ms. Krabappel scolding Bart for interrupting Martin’s book report. We then cut to the fourth grade classroom, where Martin is in full cosplay, giving an impassioned report on The Old Man And The Sea. For some reason this report mentions making love to a woman, which feels inappropriate to include in a fourth grade book report, but Krabappel is impressed regardless, clapping and remarking that at points she could’ve believed Martin really was Ernest Hemingway. Bart, of course, greets Martin back at his seat by way of placing a ketchup packet on the chair.

Krabappel says they have time for one more book report, and calls Bart up to the front of the class. Bart allegedly read Treasure Island, but it becomes evident almost immediately that he didn't actually read a word of the book, and is going entirely off the cover. He gives the book a 9 on the Simpsons Scale, which is what I'm gonna have to call my episode ratings from now on, and asks if the class has any questions; when several kids raise their hands, he pretends they didn't and starts back to his seat. However, he is stopped by Ms. Krabappel, who asks if he actually read the book. Bart acts offended, but then Krabappel puts him on the spot by asking him what the pirate's name was. Bart freezes, his brain supplying several possible answers (including the correct one) before he settles on Bluebeard. Who wasn't even a pirate. Good jorb, Bart.

Ms. Krabappel has Bart stay after class to write “I WILL NOT FAKE MY WAY THROUGH LIFE” on the chalkboard, and asks him if he's aware his grades have been getting steadily worse. Bart confirms that he knows. Krabappel then asks if he's aware that there's a major exam on colonial American history coming up, which Bart also responds to with a “yes ma’am,” but her words quickly turn to gibberish in Bart’s head. He simply “yes ma’am”s his way through the lecture, until Krabappel asks if he's even been listening. Bart “yes ma’am”s this as well, and when asked to repeat what she said, he offers “straighten up and fly right?”, which Krabappel dismisses as a lucky guess.

Bart dicks around at the arcade after school, playing a game called Escape From Grandma’s House. He says that after a couple more games, he'll hit the books, and proceeds to get more quarters from the change machine.

At home, Bart and his sisters watch an Itchy And Scratchy toon before dinner, called Let Them Eat Scratchy. It appears to portray Scratchy as a French aristocrat being revolutionarily beheaded by Itchy, and then also having his decapitated head blown up with a stick of dynamite for good measure. Marge then enters to tell the kids that soup’s on, and Bart vows that he'll study after dinner.

At dinner, Homer asks Marge for another beer, but Marge refuses until Lisa shares her exciting news. Lisa says Homer doesn't care, but Homer insists he does–”I just wanna have a beer while caring!” Marge still denies Homer, and tells Lisa to go ahead. This is where we get That One Lisa Face, which is really just an in-between frame with none of the connotations of its usage as a meme in context, but as a professional meme fuck I needed to spotlight it.

Lisa then reveals that she got an A on her vocabulary test, which Homer is ecstatically proud of. He goes to stick her paper to the fridge and get a beer while he's at it, hanging it alongside tons of her other papers…and over Bart’s first grade drawing of a cat. Bart is hurt, but Homer doesn't seem to notice the issue, and ropes Bart into watching Big Gorilla Week instead of studying.

After watching the movie, which moves Homer to tears, Bart heads off to study. Homer cracks a comment about him burning the candle at both ends, which is quickly proven true as Bart attempts to study, but rapidly gets drowsy, before passing out with his nose in the book. Homer spots him like this, and calls Marge over; Marge comments that he tries so hard and wonders why he's still failing, and Homer guesses he's just a bit dim. Which isn't true, and I think a modern audience could guess that from the specifics of his issues—like I’ve previously said, Bart clearly has ADHD, and genuinely struggles to focus. And this episode demonstrates that pretty well, if you ask me, a fellow ADHD haver. (Which…you're reading my blog, so you are asking me, so there.)

The next morning, Marge wakes Bart up, and he realizes with horror that it's the day of the test. He boards the bus anxiously and begs Otto to crash it, which Otto says he can't do on purpose. Bart then plans to get notes from “some egghead,” and for whatever reason settles on Sherri and Terri, who are gossiping about him as he approaches. Bart engages the twins in a cram session, and they give him bogus answers, “informing” him that the Pilgrims piloted the Spirit Of St. Louis to sunny Acapulco fleeing giant English rats. Bart, unfortunately, falls for it hook, line, and sinker.

As they exit the bus, Martin pretentiously informs Bart that the answers he was given were erroneous, and that “a white golden chimp with a pencil in his teeth” has a better chance of passing the test than Bart. Bart, unable to handle things, decides to use that old trump card: he fakes sick right before the test. The school nurse diagnoses him with “amoria phlebitis” based on his bullshitting, and he is sent home.

Back at home, Marge waits on her son hand and foot through his imaginary illness, even bringing the TV up to his room.

That evening, as Bart watches TV in bed with Lisa and Maggie, Lisa comments that everyone knows he's faking, and that he's gonna have to flunk that history test eventually. Bart tells her he's got his bases covered, and calls up Milhouse to get his answers.

The next day, Bart makes up the test, and gets an even lower grade than Milhouse did. Dr. Pryor is brought in to assess him (again), and says he has a “fear of failure”--“as a result, Bart is an underachiever, and yet he seems to be…how should I put this…proud of it?” Pryor correctly calls out Bart’s short attention span, and Homer zones out, just like his son. Krabappel and Pryor grill Bart about why he's struggling, and Bart gets visibly upset, saying that they all know he's “dumb as a post” and asking if they think he's happy about it. Pryor suggests that as traumatic as it can be, maybe Bart should repeat the fourth grade if he fails another test—a prospect Bart is horrified by.

He swears that he's going to do better, vowing that as God is his witness, he will pass the fourth grade, and Homer tries to help by saying that even if he doesn't, at least he'll be bigger than the other kids. NOT HELPING, HOMER

Bart asks Otto for advice on his situation, but Otto shrugs it off. He repeated the fourth grade too—twice! And now he drives the school bus! This does not reassure Bart, however, and the words of Dr. Pryor and Ms. Krabappel hang in his head. He imagines himself as an older adult still in fourth grade, still not knowing the name of the pirate in Treasure Island until prompted by his son/classmate, and honestly it's pretty sad even though it's kinda silly.

Bart then approaches a reading Martin at recess, asking him to throw him the ball. It's then that he sees an opportunity, and asks for Martin’s help to get a passing grade, in exchange for him making Martin cool. Martin is shocked, believing he was quite popular, but Bart demonstrates that he's not by pushing him over to a chorus of laughter from his peers. Eventually, Martin agrees to the deal, and they head to the Simpson abode after school.

Martin wants to see Bart’s “study area,” and is horrified by Bart’s desk being covered in trash. He insists that they set about cleaning the room, and get Bart some plants.

On the bus, Bart advises Martin not to sit up front, because that's what nerds do, and that cool kids sit in the back, including at school and church, so no one can see what you're doing. Martin makes an equation about this, and Bart tells him not to say it like that.

We get a montage of Bart reaching Martin how to be cool, with moments of Martin helping Bart study and clean, culminating in the two of them, along with Bart’s friend group, laughing after pushing a boy into the girls' bathroom. Martin, however, has let his coolkid status go to his head, and tells Bart that the Martin Prince who made a deal with him no longer exists. Task failed successfully, I guess?

Bart struggles to study in his newly-cleaned room, and Marge tells him it's past his bedtime. Bart, recognizing the hopelessness of his situation, decides to suck it up and beg the big man upstairs for aid, praying for just one more day to study before his test as Lisa looks on. It's a really affecting scene, even with how amusingly informal his prayer is—Bart is clearly in a state of genuine desperation, and it's gutwrenching. This poor kid.

And that night, it snows.

Marge wakes Bart the next morning, opening his drapes to reveal the massive accumulation of snow. Bart slides downstairs excitedly, where the family is gathered around the radio, announcing that basically everything is closed—yes, including schools. Bart and Homer boogie down to celebrate, and we're shown Springfieldians coming out in full force to enjoy their snow day.

Bart suits up, ready to do the same, but Lisa stops him, saying that she heard him praying for this last night and now that prayer has been answered. Lisa admits that she's no theologian, but she knows God is a force more powerful than Mom and Dad combined, and Bart owes him big. Bart concedes that she's right, and goes upstairs to study. 

Bart tries to convince himself he's not missing anything, but of course, he looks out the window and sees the whole town having fun, before Mayor Quimby declares this to be the funnest day ever and the town breaks out into a rendition of Winter Wonderland.

Bart, determined to succeed, heads to the basement instead so he can't see the merriment. He reads through his textbook, and imagines himself at the Continental Congress…and then imagines the Continental Congress having a snow day. He resorts to slapping himself repeatedly to try and force himself to concentrate, while his family looks on from above.

The next day, Bart takes the test, and asks Ms. Krabappel to grade it immediately, unable to bear the suspense. She complies, and unfortunately…it's a 59. Another F for the pile.

Bart breaks down sobbing, and when Krabappel comments that she thought he'd be used to failing, Bart wails that he really tried this time. This is where I got choked up, not gonna lie; this is one of those hardcore emotional Simpsons moments that sticks with you. Krabappel tries to comfort him, saying it's a high F, but Bart simply laments that he's a failure, adding that he now knows how George Washington felt when he was forced to surrender Fort Necessity to the French in 1754.

Wait, what?

That's right: Bart, to Ms. Krabappel’s shock, has demonstrated applied knowledge! And since it's a relatively obscure tidbit, she feels compelled to give Bart an extra point on his exam, bringing his grade up to a D-. Bart is beyond overjoyed, even kissing Krabappel on the cheek, and runs outside, shouting that he passed…before realizing that he just kissed his teacher, and spitting on the ground.

At home, Homer and Marge tape Bart’s D- to the fridge, saying they're proud of him, and Bart admits that part of this D- belongs to God. The episode ends, and I am emotional.

Bart Gets An F is such a perfect microcosm of what makes The Simpsons great—plenty of funny and memorable bits, but beyond that, an emotional core that whacks you right in the face sometimes. This is absolutely one of those times. The pacing felt near perfect, too, with the stakes naturally ramping up as the episode progresses. On the Simpson Scale, I think this is my first 10/10–it's basically perfect.

Thanks again for tuning in, be sure to subscribe, and I'll see you next week for Simpson And Delilah!