Simpsons Sundays #17: Two Cars In Every Garage And Three Eyes On Every Fish

jfc what a long title

I’M BACK, BABY! Yes, I realize that's a Futurama reference and not a Simpsons reference, but I DON’T CARE. Let's get back into this! 

Now, I realized as I watched this episode that I had no memory of the plot, which is surprising to me given that it seems like it should be the sort of plot line that sticks in your mind. I mean, Mr. Burns running for governor? That's the kind of conceit that's still applicable today. 

…Although in this case, I do think The Simpsons utterly failed to predict the future here, for reasons that will become clear as I go. And yeah, fair warning, the nature of the plot means I might get a touch political in this post—although I doubt much of what I'll say will be terribly controversial to my audience. But at this point I've been going on for three paragraphs without actually beginning the episode, so let's table that for now.

Genuine question: is photocopying your butt an actual prank real people pulled at any point in time, or was it just made up as a gag for TV? I would think sitting on a copier would be a good way to break it. Maybe they were sturdier back in the day? Old people, please advise.

Couch gag is just the couch unfolding into a bed. Nothing too zany, but I like the animation. It's so springy!

We open on Bart and Lisa fishing at the aptly-named Old Fishing Hole, when they are approached by Some Guy. He asks if they've caught anything, and Lisa responds that they haven't yet. The guy then asks what bait they're using, to which Lisa replies that Bart is using worms, but she, who “feels the tranquility far outweighs the catching of fish,” is using nothing. The guy turns to Bart next, asking his name, and Bart, obviously, says that he's Bart Simpson, and who the hell is this guy? 

The guy introduces himself as Dave Shutton, an investigative reporter, and adds that in his day they didn't talk to their elders like that. Bart explains that this is his day, and they do. At this point, Bart feels a tug on his line, and pulls out a big fish. There's just one problem.

Yup, as Dave takes the time to verify, the fish has three eyes. And as it turns out, the fishing hole is right downstream from the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant…

Cue the ol’ newspaper montage! (Complete with Bart cutting out the article on his catch and scrapbooking it next to an article on the Jebediah Springfield statue being decapitated—a rare moment of continuity!)

There, wasn't that fun? Good times.

Anyway, as we've learned from the papers, Governor Mary Bailey is planning an investigation into the plant and its effect on the environment, which Marge supports wholeheartedly. Homer, on the other hand, says that if he was governor, he'd do something better with his time—like making Washington’s birthday and Lincoln’s birthday separate holidays again. Personally, given that Presidents’ Day lands on my birthday every so often, I'm not complaining about the current setup, but Homer sees it as a ripoff, complaining that he works day in and day out. Marge then informs him he's late for work, which he shrugs off, saying someone will clock in for him. Classic Homer! Lisa tells Homer not to spill anything, and Bart tells him to keep the mutants coming.

When he arrives at work, Homer is dismayed to discover the only donuts left are plain cake donuts, which are objectively the worst kind. He grumbles about this a bit, wondering why he can never make it to work on time despite this absolutely being his own fault. Then, Burns begins to speak over the PA, announcing that an inspection team will be arriving soon and instructing his employees to look busy.

Of course, when the inspectors arrive, their Geiger counters immediately start screaming. Burns dismisses this as normal background radiation, but the inspectors aren't having it. They're not pleased about the gum sealing a crack in the towers, either. Or the plutonium rod being used as a paperweight, or the pipes leaking a corrosive green ooze, or Homer being Homer and sleeping on the job, and definitely not the room flooded ankle-deep with toxic waste. 

One of the inspectors tells Burns that in his twenty years of doing his job, he's never seen such a shoddy, deplorable—but he's cut off mid-sentence by Burns attempting to bribe him with a massive stack of money. The inspector attempts to be honest, but Burns continues to try and foist the money onto him, and he ultimately agrees he'll overlook the felony bribery…but not the 342 violations of code in the plant. Burns is told in no uncertain terms that if he doesn't get the plant up to code, they'll shut it down.

Burns contemplates this, but is appalled when Smithers crunches the numbers and estimates the cost of sprucing the place up at 56 million dollars. Burns, distraught, sends Smithers out, and begins to get drunk off some manner of fancy booze he's been storing under his desk.

That night, Burns drunkenly walks the halls of the power plant, singing Brother, Can You Spare A Dime. Homer, who has once again passed the fuck out at his station, jolts awake as he passes by, then checks his watch and realizes it's already 9:30 PM. He immediately calls Marge, and puts on a big show of how these twelve-hour days are killing him, before heading back to his car, passing a glowing rat on the way.

In the parking lot, he finds Burns, singing while crying. He asks Burns if everything is alright, and Burns invites him into his car, confiding in him that the government is planning to shut the plant down due to the pollution. Homer responds that nobody's perfect, and says that he was just talking to his wife about how he'd do things differently if he were governor. Burns dismisses the idea, pointing out how much it costs to run for office—“more than any honest man could afford!”

Homer, naturally, points out that Burns could probably afford it, then ramblingly attempts to backtrack on implying he's dishonest, adding that if Burns was governor, he could decide what's safe and what isn't. Burns then drives off and tells Homer that they're going to create a better world, although Homer would rather be dropped off at home if it's on the way.

So yeah, Homer inspired Burns to enter the gubernatorial race. Homer remarks to Marge that he's got his vote, but Marge insists they're a Mary Bailey family. Homer points out that Mary Bailey isn't gonna fire him if he doesn't vote for her, which like, I guess that's fair but also I think firing him for that would probably be illegal? He'd probably have a good wrongful termination case. Oh, who am I kidding, it's Homer, he's not thinking in those terms at all. 

Lisa, for her part, is excited that there's a political discussion going on at her kitchen table, remarking that she feels like a Kennedy. Marge continues to make her point, unable to see how such a despicable man could possibly win against the most beloved governor their state of Definitely Not Oregon has seen. Which like…I get why Marge thinks this, it's a rational train of thought, but given that Trump managed to win an election, I'm not sure how true this holds nowadays. 

As it turns out, Burns has similar concerns.

Burns sits in a board meeting with his campaign committee, the head of which explains out to him that 98% of voters see him as “despicable or worse.” He then introduces his speechwriter, his joke writer, his spin doctor, his makeup man, and his personal trainer, with the goal of turning Burns into…this.

Burns, while initially confused as to why his teeth are showing like that (“Because you're smiling!”), approves of this proposition, but questions how your “average Joe Six-Pack” could possibly hope to win against Mary Bailey. The committee head then introduces Burns’ muckraker, his character assassinator, his mudslinger, and his garbologist, with the goal of turning Mary Bailey into…this.

Burns thanks him for the visual aids, but unfortunately for him, there's one big issue they need to deal with…

At the Retirement Castle, the seniors watch TV, and Grampa and Jasper argue about who will change the channel when Burns’ ad comes on. They do not come to an agreement, however, and commit to watching the ad. Meanwhile, at Moe’s, Barney expresses dismay over the fact that there's an election, and at the Simpson abode, Marge comments that she hopes he'll say something about the horrible fish. Homer scoffs, saying she probably didn't know how many eyes a fish was supposed to have before this incident, which like, rude.

Burns, as all this is going on, is being prepped for the camera. Of course, he starts saying supervillain shit, and the camera catches a good chunk of it before he pivots to actually doing the ad…where he busts out his little friend, Blinky. 

Burns states that while many consider it a “hideous genetic mutation,” that couldn't be further from the truth, and brings out an actor playing Charles Darwin to explain how this is totally just evolution in action.

Burns then claims that if these same people saw an elephant outside the power plant they'd probably blame his trunk on the nuclear waste too, and demonstrates with an actual live elephant. He calls Blinky “a miracle of nature with a taste that can't be beat,” and begs the viewers to stop slandering the poor fish. 

Cue his campaign song: “Only a moron wouldn't cast his vote for Mooooontyyyyyy Burns!”

And, unfortunately, it works. Grampa says he's just what this state needs: “young blood.” 

Homer says that he hopes Burns has Marge’s vote, but she reiterates that she's a “Bailey booster,” even wearing a pro-Bailey button. Homer shoots back that he's a “Burns booster,” and attempts to stick a pro-Burns button to his shirt, but sticks himself in the process.

At his office, Burns is told he's up six points, for a total of…uh…six points. Meanwhile, Smithers just stands there covered in political buttons, which, to be fair, is how a not insignificant number of gay people dress anyway, so.

Bailey gives a conference, stating that she prefers to rely on voters' intelligence and good judgment rather than treating them like gullible fools. Someone comments that this is an interesting strategy. Meanwhile, Burns shouts tax-related talking points, and his crowd goes wild. Marge stands outside the Kwik-E-Mart handing out Bailey flyers, and we're treated to another brief newspaper montage as Burns hits the campaign trail hard.

In the front yard, Marge puts up a Bailey sign, Homer puts up a Burns sign, and Lisa and Bart wear t-shirts—Lisa’s reading “I WISH I WAS OLD ENOUGH TO VOTE FOR BAILEY,” and Bart’s reading “MY DAD TOLD ME TO VOTE FOR BURNS.” I love the sight gags in this show so much. 

Burns asks his committee if they've dug up any dirt on Bailey, and they reply that after digging through her garbage and talking to her maid, the only negative thing they've found is from a guy who dated her when she was sixteen, who—gasp!—felt her up, which is definitely something teenagers NEVER do to each other. 

Burns gives a big speech on TV, and Bart asks Homer if his boss is governor yet. Another newspaper spins into view.

Okay the joke there is pretty good. Also, I hope you’ve been keeping track of Burns’ numbers in the newspaper gags, because they’re hilariously terrible.

Burns’ campaign manager says that he's in danger of losing touch with the common man, and insists that before the election, he will be having dinner at the home of one of his employees. (Fun screenwriting fact: when a plot event is outright stated to be something that will be happening later by the characters, that's called advertising! This is a good example.) Burns says more supervillain shit about how this will make people see him, and the campaign manager says they just need to find someone common enough as they glance through the various screens, before, obviously, landing on Homer.

Homer brings this up to Marge at breakfast, adding that there will also be a camera crew, but she doesn't need to worry about that. “Cool, a media circus!” exclaims Bart. Marge refuses, as she'll be canvassing for Bailey that night, and Homer tells the kids to leave the room so they don't see what's about to happen…

…which, as it turns out, is Homer literally begging on his knees. Marge grumbles, but acquiesces.

As they prepare, Lisa is handed a fluffy question about Burns’ popularity to ask at dinner, and asked to memorize it by one of the campaign managers. Lisa wants to ask if he can assuage her fears about pollution rendering the planet uninhabitable, but they're not having it. Marge tries to defend her, but Homer cuts her off, saying Lisa is very bright and can definitely memorize the question. The family is then told that Burns wants them to appear very affectionate towards him, but that he hates being touched.

That night, Marge rolls out of bed onto the floor and just lies there. Homer tries to get her to join him to snuggle, but Marge doesn't feel like snuggling, as she feels unable to express herself. Homer claims she gets to express herself through her homemaking and cooking, but Marge is obviously upset by this, merely climbing back into bed and going to sleep.

The makeup artist makes Homer up, before being dismissed, since they're trying to show a common family. Shortly thereafter, Burns arrives, camera crew in tow, bearing “noodle coodle,” and is promptly jumped on by Santa’s Little Helper.

He's obviously enraged by this, and Homer chases the dog off, claiming he's a neighbor’s dog. Burns lies and says he loves dogs and babies…before being pounced on by Snowball II, which he tries badly to brush off as well.

At dinner, Burns hears that he's up 51 to 49, and Homer asks Bart if he'd like to say grace, which is such an obvious mistake. Bart says, “Dear God, we paid for all this stuff ourselves, so thanks for nothin’,” earning a gasp of shock from the campaign crew. Burns laughs and says that only an innocent child could get away with such blasphemy. 

Burns is visibly appalled by the Simpson family’s poor table manners, particularly when Homer asks a question about lowering taxes with his mouth full, but manages not to comment on that, instead loudly and angrily shouting that he'll lower taxes whether the bureaucrats in the capitol like it or not. He then asks Lisa if she has a question, and Lisa says she has a very inane one, before listlessly launching into the prepared question. Burns proceeds to shill his integrity and incorruptibility, along with his commitment to lowering taxes, while Lisa heads to the kitchen with Marge.

Lisa comments on how awful it felt, and Marge reassures her it'll all be over soon. Lisa complains that they’ve become the tools of evil, but Marge simply tells her that she’s learning a lot tonight, with one of those lessons being to always give her mother the benefit of the doubt.

Marge reenters the dining room carrying a large covered dish, and sets it down in front of a still-ranting Burns, who says it smells delightful. At this point, though, she takes the cover off, revealing…

Rest in peace, Blinky. You didn’t ask to be a horrifying mutant freak.

Burns, infuriated, is served the head of the fish, and slowly tears off a bite to eat. The moment it hits his mouth, though, he's repulsed, and spits it out, all the way across the table.

And like that, his campaign is toast.

Burns protests, and begins knocking shit over in the Simpson house, even roping Homer into joining him. Lisa states that she doesn't see how destroying their meager possessions will accomplish anything, and Burns admits she's right, leaving with Smithers to “destroy something tasteful.” He comments as he leaves with Smithers on how they've ruined his shot at the election, and how if he had them killed, he'd get arrested. “That's democracy for you!” (Again, given the insurrection, I'm not sure how true that actually is at this point!) He declares then that he will make sure Homer’s dreams go unfulfilled, and Bart comments that he's busted.

In bed that night, Homer expresses fear over what Burns said, begging Marge to make it better. Marge simply replies, “When a man’s biggest dreams include seconds on dessert, occasional snuggling, and sleeping in till noon on weekends, no one man can destroy him.” “Hey, you did it!” Homer exclaims, and the two share a kiss before Marge hits the lights.

On the whole, I enjoyed this episode, but I don't think I'd write home about it. I think it has some pacing issues—the story takes a long time to really announce itself—but it's funny enough and has a heartwarming ending. It's giving 7/10, I think. Not one of the greats, but certainly perfectly good.

Thanks for bearing with me during my little hiatus! I had a ton of fun while I was away, hanging out with internet friends and attending Fanime, but it's good to be back in the saddle. Be sure to subscribe if you haven't already, and I'll see you next week for Dancin’ Homer!