Simpsons Sundays #19: Dead Putting Society

mini golf is the only valid form of golf

Man, doing this blog is making me realize how little I actually remember of season two. Granted, I remembered the broad strokes of this one at least, but if you'd asked me last week exactly what happens in Dead Putting Society, I would've just shrugged and been like “idk, golf and crossdressing??” Which, to be fair, is accurate, but it's reductive. 

I assume that this is a meta joke and that Nancy Cartwright was 32 years old at the time of production. But also, I think Bart can be a woman if he wants. Trans Bart rights.

Not much to say about the couch gag. The pets just squeeze in, which is cute but unremarkable. 

We open on Homer struggling to mow the lawn, complaining that it's supposed to be Bart’s job. Marge reminds him that Bart is working on his science project, and Bart pokes his head out the window to chime in and tell him to mow quietly, because there's a genius at work. Bart goes back to reading a comic book, but to his credit, he does proceed to write down observations on his potato project, so hey, kudos.

Flanders chooses this moment to say hi to Homer, commenting on what a beautiful day the Lord has given them. Homer calls for Marge to get him a beer, while Flanders continues yapping, offering some treatment for the crabgrass in the Simpson yard. Homer initially denies there's crabgrass, then denies it's a problem, saying everyone would love it if it had a cute name like elf grass. Honestly Homer is right, and Flanders actually agrees. Homer asks Marge where the Duff is, and she reports that they're all out, eliciting an Annoyed Grunt from Homer. Flanders then offers some beer from his rumpus room, and surprisingly, Homer accepts.

Homer marvels at Flanders’ sumptuous rumpus room, and Flanders comments that this is his first time at his house. Homer tries to play it off–they've only been neighbors for…eight years. At this point, Maude enters bearing little sandwiches (sammiches, as she calls them), and she and Flanders share a moment of vaguely sickening affection, complete with pet names. (Popcorn Ball for Maude and Sponge Cake for Flanders, if you were curious.) 

Homer reminds him about the beer, and Flanders asks if draft is okay, adding that he just installed the tap last week. He offers Homer a lager imported from Holland, which Homer tries to deride, but is clearly impressed by. 

It's then that Todd enters, thanking his dad for helping him with his science project–a DNA model. Todd kisses Flanders on the cheek and says he has the best dad in the whole world, to Flanders' embarrassment. Homer then decides he's had enough, and tells Flanders to “knock it off,” insisting that Flanders is rubbing his nose in how much nicer his life is–his family is better, his beer comes from farther away, his son actually likes him, and Maude’s butt is higher than Marge’s butt. Flanders, quite reasonably, asks Homer to leave, and Homer says he wouldn't stay on a bet…but does finish off his imported beer and take a finger sandwich for the road, because of course he does.

That night, Homer struggles to sleep, still pissed at Flanders. Marge asks what he said, and Homer fumbles, eventually saying it was how he said it rather than what he said. Of course, when Marge presses him, he can't come up with any argument about his tone either, but he insists the message was loud and clear: the Simpsons stink. Marge says she's never seen Flanders be anything but a perfect neighbor, which enrages Homer enough that he goes for a walk to cool down.

Meanwhile, Flanders is also struggling to sleep, wracked with Christian guilt over kicking Homer out of his home. Maude says she's not really the one to help him here, so of course Flanders calls up Reverend Lovejoy…

…who has to be woken from a dead slumber by his wife, much to his chagrin. Lovejoy gives some half-asleep bullshit advice rooted loosely in the Bible but not really in his situation, and Flanders takes it to heart, writing Homer a heartfelt apology letter and delivering it to the Simpson abode. Right as Homer returns from his walk.

Homer, of course, finds the letter hilarious, and mocks it around the breakfast table with the kids. Marge tells them they're being terrible, but privately laughs a little as well. She's still upset, though, and tells them she wishes they could be as close as the Flanderses. Homer agrees, and suggests they go out for a round of mini golf, followed up by FROSTY CHOCOLATE MILKSHAKES. Damn, I didn't realize that persisted into season two! Marge was planning to wash her hair, however, and Lisa has to study for a math event, so Homer just takes Bart and Maggie.

Homer and Bart play mini golf for a while, and Homer completely sucks at it, but Bart shows some talent. Maggie, meanwhile, gets her onesie caught on the windmill and gets carried around for a bit, before wandering off. 

As it happens, Flanders and Todd are playing mini golf too, and they spot the Simpsons. Flanders decides it's a perfect time to follow up on his letter, the poor sap.

Homer continues to suck at mini golf, and Flanders approaches him to ask if he's having fun, proposing that they all play together. Homer and Bart reluctantly agree, and Todd gives Homer some advice on the hole he was struggling with, getting a hole in one in the process. Homer is, of course, resentful.

As they walk, Bart keeps score, and makes a point of adding up all Homer’s shitty scores in front of him, prompting Homer to tell him to stop. Todd, meanwhile, spots a sign for a mini golf tournament, with a top prize of fifty bucks.

Homer proceeds to enter Bart and insist he'll win, and Flanders says not to put too much pressure on him, as Todd is awfully good. Homer insists that Bart could kick Todd’s ass, and drags him off. Bart tells Homer that he's never won anything in his life, but Homer is adamant that this time, it's not okay to lose.

Homer trains Bart in the back yard, but obviously he knows jack shit about mini golf, so it doesn't go well. Later, he tells Bart to respect his putter, saying it's like a bat to a baseball player, or a violin to a “violin guy,” and demands Bart give it a name. Bart goes with Mr. Putter, but Homer is dissatisfied, saying to give it a girl’s name. Bart suggests Mom, which raises questions, and Homer dubs the putter Charlene.

He then hangs up a photo of Todd and tells Bart to spend fifteen minutes a day staring at the picture and thinking of how much he hates him, and how sweet it'll be when he and Charlene annihilate him. Bart, naturally, has already forgotten who Charlene is. He attempts to stare in hatred at the photo, but doesn't seem to have it in him.

Marge comments that she overheard Homer “warping Bart’s mind,” and says she thinks he's making this into too big a deal. Homer says it's their big chance to show up the “Flanderseses,” but Marge doesn't get why that's important. Homer explains that sometimes you need to make others feel bad to feel good about yourself, and he's tired of making other people feel good about themselves.

Bart stares at his various participation trophies, and sighs. Lisa asks what he's doing, and Bart asks her what you call “those guys in chess that don't matter.” Lisa says that a blockaded bishop is of little value, but she thinks he means “pawn.” Bart says that he's a pawn, and Lisa agrees, saying it's times like this that she's grateful Homer takes no interest in most of what she does, before offering Bart her help.

Lisa takes Bart to the library, saying hello to all her fellow regulars, and they look through the card catalog to find the section on golf putting. They get a bunch of books, and Bart comments that they can't afford all of them, before Lisa explains that they're just borrowing them. Bart doesn't seem to fully understand how libraries work, and appears to think they're doing something illicit here.

Lisa then directs Bart in meditation, telling him to embrace nothingness and become like an uncarved stone. Bart just says “done,” and Lisa points out that he's just pretending to know what he's talking about, which he doesn't disagree with.

Lisa gives Bart a koan: what is the sound of one hand clapping? Bart proceeds to demonstrate, clapping his fingers on one hand against the palm of the same.

Bart is objectively correct here, but Lisa insists there's no answer and it's supposed to clear his mind of conscious thought. Bart continues to demonstrate, but Lisa simply gives him another koan: if a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, did it make a sound? Bart says of course, and demonstrates the sound it would make. Again, Bart is correct, but Lisa points out that sound cannot exist if no one is there to hear it, which enlightens Bart.

At the mini golf course, Bart and Lisa practice, with Lisa finally finding a practical use for geometry. They practice day and night, rain or shine, even in a billiards hall for some reason. 

Bart does a yoga pose atop the trash can, which Homer seems to think is fruity or something, as he tells Bart to stop before the neighbors see him. Of course, Flanders pops up at that very moment, and Homer yells that despite what things might look like, Bart will wipe the floor with his kid. Flanders says to let the best man win, which Homer calls “the mating call of the loser.” Flanders is firm that his son has a very good chance, and Homer asks if he wants to bet on that. Flanders says he's not a betting man, so Homer mocks him with chicken noises. Flanders attempts to wager a batch of Marge's blueberry muffins against one of Maude's homemade windchimes, but Homer doesn't see that as a real bet, and ups the ante: if Bart wins, Flanders has to mow his lawn. Flanders accepts, increasingly angry, and Homer ups the stakes further: the loser's father must mow the winner’s father’s lawn in his wife's Sunday dress. With that, the bet is on.

Marge reads over the terms, but Flanders objects to the term “loser” as too harsh, suggesting it be changed to “the boy that doesn't win.” (This is a plant; pay attention.) Both parties sign the bet, and Marge says she hopes there won't be blood.

They practice more, but Homer throws Bart off. Later, Homer asks Marge to give her honest opinion on which dress he should go with when Bart loses, and watches nervously over Bart all night. 

In the morning, Lisa quizzes Bart on what to do. Marge has prepared a hearty breakfast for him, but Lisa insists steak will make him “loagy,” and that he should only be eating oatmeal, as oats are what the winner of the Kentucky Derby eats before racing. Homer points out that Bart is not a horse, and tells him to eat his meal. To be fair, Lisa does have something of a point–oatmeal is a great hearty meal that sticks to your ribs–but Homer isn't wrong here either.

At the mini golf course, some very British announcers reveal that the tournament is down to two competitors, and of course, they're Bart and Todd. Lisa says she's never received any words of encouragement herself and so doesn't know what they're supposed to sound like, but that she believes in Bart.

Meanwhile, the Flanderses pray, and Homer tells them it's no use, since he already did the same thing and they can't both win. Flanders says they were actually praying that no one gets hurt, and Homer says it doesn't matter, because this time tomorrow he'll be wearing high heels. The two argue a bit, and then it's back to the tournament.

Before long, Bart and Todd are tied, and after a montage, they finally stand before the final hole. It's close, but both boys manage to get about an equal distance from the hole in their first shots. However, neither of them is comfortable with the competition, and Bart suggests they just quit, which Todd agrees to. They approach the announcers and say they want to call it a draw, which the announcers say is the most stunning display of sportsmanship since the end of British colonialism in India.

Flanders expresses relief that neither of them has to go through with the wager, but Homer points out that the wording of the contract said that the father of the boy who doesn't win has to mow the other’s lawn in his wife’s dress. Flanders notes that this means Homer has to do it too, and Homer says it's a small price to pay to see Flanders humiliate himself.

Cut to the next morning, where Homer angrily mows the Flanders lawn in Marge’s Sunday best while everyone points and laughs (rude). Flanders, meanwhile, admits that while he feels goofy, it reminds him of his old fraternity days, and Homer realizes with agony that he's enjoying it. THE END

I thought this one was a real return to form! This is definitely a classic episode, even if the “man in a dress” thing hasn't aged so great. I loved the sweet Bart and Lisa moments especially, and I really like this characterization of Flanders–very religious, yes, but not a hardcore fundie and a genuinely good dude, albeit one who can be pushed. It's getting a solid 8/10 on the Simpson Scale from me.

Sorry these posts have been a bit shorter–the stress of moving has been rough! Hopefully soon I'll be able to drop some more meaty bois on y’all. But for now, subscribe if you haven't yet, and I'll see you next week for Bart Vs. Thanksgiving!