Simpsons Sundays #23: Bart Gets Hit By A Car

vroom vroom motherfuckers

Man, it figures that as soon as I complain about the pacing of this show, it immediately improves. Itchy & Scratchy & Marge got right into the action, and I'm pleased to report that Bart Gets Hit By A Car does the same! So why don't we cut the preamble and follow their example.

I understand that this probably refers to school property as in objects that are property of the school, but I initially misunderstood this as Bart trying to sell school grounds and I think that's way funnier so that's my headcanon now.

This couch gag features everyone getting edged off the couch one by one by Homer, who proceeds to get comfy. Homer is kind of a dick in this episode, so I think it's kinda great that this extends even to the couch gag.

We open on Bart riding his skateboard through Springfield, going straight through wet cement (wait, how did that not gum up his wheels?) and startling a dog as he rolls merrily along. These fun times are cut short by Bart getting…well, hit by a car, as the title indicates. Much like The Telltale Head, this one inexplicably shows us the title of the episode, and fittingly does so right before the impact occurs. Yeah, you know how I said this gets right into the action? I wasn't lying! 

Bart falls in a heap on the ground, and none other than Waylon Smithers himself gets out of the car, announcing that the boy appears to be hurt. As it happens, Mr. Burns is the one who just hit Bart, and he's none too amused by the holdup, suggesting Smithers just give him a nickel and flee. Smithers thinks they should call an ambulance, but Burns just seems annoyed by the inconvenience of it all, and doesn't do anything but get out to look at Bart.

As all this happens, Bart’s soul is leaving his body. “Hey, cool! I'm dead!” He's then taken on a golden escalator up to heaven, where a voice warns him to hold onto the handrail and not to spit over the side. As he glides heavenwards, he passes long dead relatives, including the OG Snowball, who still has tire treads on her fur, poor thing. 

Of course, being who he is, Bart picks this time to spit over the side, and the escalator transforms into a slide, the voice chiding Bart for not listening. Bart is sent careening down into the depths of Hell, which just looks like that one Bosch painting because of fucking course it does.

Bart then meets the Devil, who informs him that he's earned eternal damnation for his lifetime of evil deeds. Bart protests his innocence, but the Devil laughs in his face and pulls up his file…only to discover that he's not due in Hell until the next time the Yankees win the pennant, almost a century away. I don't know enough sports to know if the Yankees have won the pennant since this episode aired, but it'd be really funny if they hadn't.

Bart hears his family calling to him, and asks the Devil if there's anything he can do to avoid coming back there. He's informed there is, but he wouldn't like it, which Bart happily accepts. As he floats back to the land of the living, the Devil tells Bart to cheat, steal, and listen to heavy metal music, which Bart affirms his intent to do.

Bart wakes up, surrounded by his family and also a lawyer. Marge weeps that she thought Bart had gone away, and Bart says that he did, then does the whole Wizard Of Oz “and YOU were there!” thing…before realizing that no, the lawyer was very much not there. Homer realizes he has no idea who he is either, and comments that he saw him chasing Bart’s ambulance. 

Lionel Hutz proceeds to introduce himself, and just like that, we're introduced to one of Phil Hartman’s iconic roles for the series. He gives Homer his card. adding that it turns into a sponge when you put it in water. Homer finds this classy, which raises a lot of questions that are answered by this being Homer. 

Hutz wants to talk to the Simpsons about pursuing legal action against “the fiend who did this to (their) boy,” but Homer notes that the fiend in question happens to be his boss. Besides, the doctor says Bart just has a bump on the head and a broken toe, nothing serious. Hutz is having none of this, insisting that doctors are idiots and Bart could have debilitating permanent injuries…which they can cash in on!

Lisa asks Hutz if he's a shyster, and Hutz condescendingly asks how such a little girl knows such a big word. Marge, however, seems to agree with Lisa's assessment, stressing that this is not the time or place to discuss this. Hutz agrees, saying to meet him at his office when they're ready, before going off to chase more ambulances.

Dr. Hibbert comes in to examine Bart, poking him in both places he's injured, to his displeasure. Marge asks if Bart is well enough for her to mother him unbearably, and Hibbert suggests she let him rest up first.

At work, Lenny brings up the incident, and Homer announces that if he weren't so spineless, he'd march into Mr. Burns’ office right now. Naturally, Smithers picks this moment to poke his head in and insist Homer do just that.

Burns once again has failed to internalize that he's met Homer before, but Homer rolls with it. He says his attorneys have advised him to cut Homer a check for running over his kid, which Homer seems surprised by but obviously can't object to. Of course, it's only for a hundred bucks, which Homer points out won't even cover Bart's medical bills. Burns thinks Homer is trying to extort him, and rescinds the offer, attempting to throw Homer out. Homer, however, says he can throw himself out, and leaves. 

Homer stops to wipe the sweat from his brow, and conveniently happens to do so with Hutz’s business card, which, yes, does turn into a sponge as advertised. This naturally gives him an idea…

Homer marches down to Hutz’s law office at the mall, where he's greeted by the man himself, as his secretary seems to be ignoring her duties. Hutz asks her if he got any calls, and she tells him that the Supreme Court called again, needing his help on “some freedom thing.” But, of course, Homer’s case takes priority.

Homer comments on how many degrees he has, and Hutz explains that he has degrees from Harvard, Yale, MIT, Oxford, The Sorbonne, and The Louvre, which presumably means none are legit. He briefly perks up at the sound of sirens in the distance, before saying that the state bar forbids him from promising a big cash settlement, but just between them, he promises Homer a big cash settlement. He adds that his fee is 50%, but he'll also be getting an exquisite faux-pearl necklace–a $99 value! Homer is unsure, thinking they may have different ideas about how big is big, but Hutz promises a million dollars, so Homer stands corrected. 

Hutz takes Homer, along with Marge and Bart, two doors down to Dr. Nick Riviera’s office, which is lined with degrees from correspondence schools and various joke degrees. Dr. Nick announces that Bart is very sick, pointing to a dark spot that's totally whiplash and a smudge resembling his fingerprint that's definitely trauma. 

Bart, who is in a wheelchair with casts and a neck brace, asks if he's gonna die, which Homer initially declares he will before Marge tells him off. He then asks if he'll ever play baseball again, which Homer says he won't…but Bart points out that he played baseball just this morning. Marge butts in to agree, saying that Dr. Hibbert has been their family physician for years and he thought Bart was fine. Homer dismisses Hibbert and his Johns Hopkins degree, and Hutz points out that the closest thing to a doctor in the room is Nick, before asking if maybe Bart has some soft tissue trauma in the face. Nick agrees he does, and puts some bandages over Bart’s head. “Just say when!”

Burns, obviously, is not happy that he's being sued, and demands Homer be fired. Smithers asks that Burns “think of the headlines,” and Burns immediately imagines headlines praising him for firing Homer. Smithers explains thay the press might be critical of him for firing Bart's dad so soon after his accident, and Burns agrees to bide his time.

At home, Hutz coaches Bart as to how to act at the trial, insisting that he's in constant pain. Lisa says this all seems like a charade to make Bart look more hurt than he is, and Marge agrees, noting that he needs to tell the truth in court. Hutz asks what truth really is, and coaches Bart to roll his eyes back like he's dead. “The kid’s a pro!”

In court, Burns’ lawyer reminds the court that Burns is rich and important and not like other men, and Burns proclaims that he should be able to run over as many kids as he wants. The judge warns him that if he continues to be disruptive he'll be cited for contempt, but Burns says he wouldn't dare, and the judge admits he wouldn't. 

Bart is then called to the stand to testify, fully done up in his bandages and casts. The judge asks Bart to confirm that he knows the difference between telling the truth and telling a lie, which Bart responds to with a “maybe” before the judge makes him confirm that he wouldn't lie to the United States. Hutz then comes up to question him, asking Bart to describe in his own words what happened.

Bart gives a florid description of how he was innocently playing when he was run down by “the luxury car of death,” complete with an animation of a cackling Mr. Burns swerving to hit him on purpose. Bart claims that while he didn't die, he sometimes wishes he had, while giving his best crocodile tears. The court is moved, despite Burns’ protests that Bart is lying and Marge and Lisa’s visible discomfort.

Burns is then questioned by his lawyer, and gives his own equally inaccurate version of events. He claims that he was driving to the orphanage to pass out toys when Bart deliberately darted in front of him, and throws Smithers under the bus by claiming he didn't want to call for help. No one is buying it. 

Burns yells at his lawyers, who suggest a settlement. He's not pleased with the idea, and makes this very clear, but he's willing to go through with it.

At Burns Manor, Burns tries to butter the Simpsons up with a story about hunting the last Indonesian rhino on Earth and offering them wine. Homer asks if Burns is trying to get him drunk, which he confirms he is. Burns suggests they settle things man to man, which Homer thinks is an offer to duke it out before being corrected, and offers the family $500,000–which, to be clear, would be what they'd get from suing him after Hutz’s fees. Burns and Smithers hide behind a painting while Marge and Homer talk it over.

Marge is inclined to just take the money and be done with it, but Homer thinks Burns is only offering because he knows he'll lose, and angrily declines. Marge asks him what's gotten into him, with all the shifty lawyers and phony doctors, which Burns perks up upon overhearing. Marge says she'd settle for just Bart’s medical bills and an apology, and Burns pops out from his hiding spot, announcing she won't even be getting that, and releases The Hounds.

The next time they're in court, Burns’ lawyer calls Marge to the stand. Marge swears to tell the truth, and Hutz and Homer are both concerned by how seriously she's taking it. The lawyer asks if the name Julius Hibbert means anything to her, and Marge confirms that he's been their family doctor since the day she became a mother. Obviously, the lawyer latches onto this, asking Marge’s opinion of Dr. Nick. Marge is hesitant to testify, but eventually admits that he seemed more concerned with wrapping Bart in bandages than with making him feel better, mispronounced words like “abdomen,” had a dirty office, and might not be a real doctor. (But he is a real Nick, he is an actual Nick. I assume he is, anyway.) 

Marge is then asked to describe Bart’s “intense mental anguish and suffering,” but admits she's not sure it was that intense–he did miss three days of school, but he doesn't really like school. When asked to put a dollar amount on these hardships, Marge says they pay Bart five bucks a week to take out the trash, which he couldn't do that week. Homer and Hutz sob.

After the trial, Burns writes a zero on a piece of paper and “offers” it to Homer. Hutz thinks they should take it.

At dinner, Homer thinks about how Marge cost him a million dollars, and thinks rather cruel thoughts about her while unable to respond to her with more than the bare minimum. Bart comments on how cool it would've been if they'd gotten that million dollars, which doesn't help. Homer asks if he can go off to Moe’s, and Marge allows it, so he slinks off, unsure if he ever wants to come home. Marge’s intuition tells her something’s off, though…

Homer drinks at the bar, wishing Moe would shut up, and at that moment Marge enters, to hoots and hollers from the men. She asks Homer to forgive her for doing the right thing, but Homer admits that when he looks at her, he's afraid he's just gonna see the woman who blew his one big chance, and that he's not sure he loves her anymore. Marge demands he look her in the eyes and find out, and after a bit of convincing, he starts at her feet, still angry…but when he meets her eyes, he admits he loves her more than ever. The two kiss, and Moe announces a discount for the next fifteen minutes. GOOD END!

So this is definitely a classic episode, and for the most part extremely well-paced, but I do find the ending conflict to be a bit rushed. I think that's more a feature of them cramming so much into one episode than anything else, though, as the plot moves at a pretty good clip and I'm not sure what they could've cut! I mean, I guess they could’ve shortened Bart’s near-death experience, but would the tradeoff have really been worth it? The humor is mostly solid, although Hutz isn't quite as hilarious here as he will be later–they were still figuring him out, which is fine. Overall, I'll rate it an 8/10; my gripes are minor and it's absolutely a classic. 

I'm on vacation, but I'll be back next week! Thanks as always for reading, hit that subscribe button, and join me next week for One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish!