Simpsons Sundays #29: Bart’s Dog Gets An F

i got that dog in me

Well, we're back to covering The Simpsons! Unfortunately though, I just found this episode kind of miserable, and unsatisfyingly paced to boot. Oh well, guess I'll slog through it anyway. For you, my readers, who I love so dearly and would watch nigh anything for, including weird hentai apparently. Not that this is weird hentai. This intro got away from me. ANYWAY. SIMPSONS TIME.

Wait, haven't we had this chalkboard gag before? DISAPPOINTING! I thought those at least were always unique. Or maybe I'm just remembering wrong because this one is kind of generic. But I feel like I've commented on this one before? Remind me in the comments, my mind is a fuckin’ sieve sometimes.

I'm pretty sure the couch gag is a repeat too, so overall this intro is a disappointment, but I will give it credit for kinda tying into the episode.

We open on the paper boy tossing a newspaper onto the Simpsons’ doorstep, which a sleepy, bathrobe-clad Homer and an energetic Santa’s Little Helper go out to fetch. Thus begins a tug of war between the two, resulting in the newspaper getting ripped–specifically, a hole directly through the sports section. Which doesn't really make sense given that they animated it as Homer grabbing one end and SLH (I'm not typing his full name a million times don't @ me) grabbing the other, but WHATEVER.

Homer scolds the dog, and goes inside to attempt to read the paper as he eats his breakfast. Of course, SLH has his eyes on the Delicious Hoomin Food, and Homer yells at him to keep away. We then see Homer in DOGGOVISION, which is to say “black and white, speaking gibberish, as the plate transforms into a dog bowl.” What happens next is left to the imagination for now, but let's be real, it's pretty obvious.

Marge, meanwhile, wakes Lisa for school, only to discover that she's quite ill, with swelling in her face. Lisa tries to protest that she can make it, but Marge is pretty sure she's got the mumps, and makes plans to call Dr. Hibbert as soon as possible. Side note, was the MMR vaccine not a thing in the 80s when Lisa was born? I don't feel like the Simpsons, for all their stupidity, would be anti-vaxxers. Idk.

Homer calls up that the dog is hungry, and Marge shouts back to feed him, at which point we cut back and see that yup, SLH has eaten Homer’s breakfast. SLH is tied up in the backyard, where he digs at the dirt and unearths a Krusty doll, which seemingly spooks him, as he quickly reburies it.

Marge calls Dr. Hibbert, who is at home with his family, eating breakfast. We can only speculate as to how Marge got his home number, because the show brings it up only to not tell us. Marge tells him that Lisa has the mumps, and Dr. Hibbert suggests she make an appointment to be sure, going through the process of scheduling one with her. 

Bart, meanwhile, accuses Lisa of faking, and says that if she stays home, so does he. Lisa says that if Bart stays home, she's going to school, which confuses Bart. Marge tells Lisa not to confuse her brother, and sends Bart off to school, with Lisa telling him to get her homework for her. Bart, of course, is horrified. “You wasted chickenpox, don't waste the mumps!”

SLH continues his digging, before breaking free of his cheap collar and trying to follow Bart onto the bus. Bart tells him to go home, but SLH doesn't understand, and wanders off, giving us a montage of doggy mischief.

Homer gets a call from an old lady telling him that his dog is in her pool, but he doesn't believe her, insisting his dog is tied up in the yard. This carries on a bit too long before Homer notices he's escaped. 

Later, Homer begrudgingly walks the dog, and encounters Ned, who lovingly greets SLH and Homer alike. Homer derides Ned’s tracksuit, but quickly notices his bitchin’ shoes, asking how much they were as Ned rattles off the features. Ned implies they're pricey, but says that “sometimes you've just gotta spoil yourself.” He then notices his heart rate dropping, and walks off.

At the doctor’s office, Hibbert examines Lisa, and quickly determines that she does in fact have the mumps, informing her that she'll have to miss a week of school. Lisa is distraught at the prospect of falling behind, and Hibbert asks her what her favorite subject is. Lisa replies arithmetic, to which Hibbert assures her that she'll be back to various advanced math concepts that a second grader would not be learning in school before she knows it.

Lisa calls Homer at work, asking him to pick up some teen magazines for her after he mistakenly identifies mumps as the kissing disease. He asks Lenny to cover for him, which he does, by eating his donuts.

Marge takes the opportunity to show Lisa the Bouvier family quilt, which women in the family have added to for five generations, and tells her it's her turn now. Lisa protests that she doesn't know how to sew, but Marge assures her that it runs in her veins, expertly threading a needle in midair. Lisa attempts to do the same, but struggles, poking herself with the needle. Marge says she just needs to build up a callus, and demonstrates her own callus by poking it with the needle and taking a lighter to it without flinching.

At the mall, Homer picks up Lisa’s magazines, to the shopkeeper’s suspicion. He then passes by a display for the badass shoes, and an apparition of Ned tells him to buy the shoes despite the $125 price tag. Homer argues with him, but quickly gives in.

Marge shows Lisa her square of the quilt, where she's written “KEEP ON TRUCKIN’,” and admits when pressed that she still doesn't know what that means. Bart then arrives with homework, but Lisa quickly deduces that he's trying to get her to do his homework, and tells him off. Homer then arrives with the magazines, and asks Lisa how many of these guys are named Corey (eight, apparently). Bart notices his sneakers, and reveals their price, which pisses Marge off as they'd agreed to consult on any big purchases. Homer protests that she bought all those smoke alarms, but they haven't had a fire.

SLH plays with the remote, flipping through channels, before noticing Homer’s new sneakers and chowing down. Homer comes down and sees the carnage, screaming, which prompts SLH to scream as well.

Homer locks SLH up with a heavy-duty collar, while Marge looks at obedience schools in the Yellow Pages. Again, bad pacing–we're halfway through the episode, and we're only now getting to the obedience school part. And we still haven't reached the ultimatum that gives us what should be the core conflict of the episode! I'll get more into it when we get to that point, but it all disregards some pretty core principles of screenwriting and the episode really suffers for it.

Uh, content warning for animal abuse because at the obedience school, the teacher advocates for choke chains and harsh discipline of dogs, and demonstrates on SLH, which is just really uncomfortable to watch. Bart initially thinks SLH is dead, even. Just…why. Why was this necessary.

Lisa watches a torrid soap opera with Marge, asking if it's always this good. Marge admits she dips in and out. SLH, meanwhile, fights Snowball II and tries to steal Lisa’s lollipop. Lisa asks what they're gonna do if he doesn't learn anything in obedience school, and Marge admits she doesn't know.

We get a montage of the dogs at the obedience school, where SLH is doing very poorly. Bart has to clean up SLH’s piss, and makes a snide remark to the instructor, which honestly I can't blame him for. She's gross and creepy. I don't like her.

Homer attempts to return the shoes to the store, claiming the shoes “fell apart” in the dog’s mouth, but is told the warranty doesn't cover (among other things) “acts of dog.” He then notices a big cookie display outside the clearly Greek-themed Cookie Colossus, and is treated to a free sample by a waitress who's inexplicably clad in pseudo-Hawaiian garb and greets him with “aloha.” Seriously, what's going on with the theming of this establishment? I'm so confused. She then suggests he buy one, and he initially gets mad before agreeing to it. 

Seriously though what is going ON here.

At home, Homer writes a note on his cookie stating that it's his property. Of course, SLH devours it once his back is turned.

Lisa shows Marge her completed quilt patch, featuring her two musical inspirations, Mr. Largo and Bleeding Gums Murphy, alongside a saxophone. She then demonstrates that she's developed a callus as well, and mother and daughter touch calluses. It's cute. I like it.

SLH drinks from the toilet, and then shreds the quilt.

Marge brings Homer up to see the quilt, only to discover it totally destroyed. Marge breaks down in tears, and Homer tries to console her, only to break down as well when he sees that SLH also ate his cookie. He angrily calls the family into the kitchen for a family meeting.

Homer suggests they give SLH away, which Bart vehemently protests. Lisa agrees with Bart, but Marge has to admit she agrees with Homer, since he's not improving with obedience school. Bart begs that he be allowed to stay if he does really well at the end of obedience school, and after some arguing and an impassioned speech from Lisa, Marge agrees. And like…that's the sort of plot-driving thing that should happen at the end of the first act, not near the end of the fucking episode! The basic dramatic premise is “someone wants something badly, but is having difficulty getting it”--this has been completely ignored until now. We don’t get the stakes of the story until now, with only six minutes of runtime left. This is, quite bluntly, some of the worst pacing I've seen on this show.

Bart tries to demonstrate rolling over to SLH, who is still unclear on the concept. 

Homer dictates a free dog flyer to Marge, greatly overselling his capabilities. See how short these later scenes are? That's what happens when your story is badly fucking paced! You run out of runtime!

Bart continues to try to instruct SLH, but pivots to commanding him to do what he's already doing in an attempt to lie to the instructor. Points for effort?

Homer takes a call for the dog, lying and saying that they're moving to a country where dogs are forbidden and demonstrating SLH’s alleged ability to say “I love you.” 

Bart tries to get SLH to stay, but fails.

The prospective new owner talks about using SLH to pull a cart on his farm. Homer says he can pick him up tomorrow.

Bart comes into the instructor’s office, and asks her if she could just let SLH pass, since she gets paid either way. Obviously, she refuses quite floridly, but Bart insists he'll sit. He doesn't, of course, and Winthrop yells at him to pull the chain. He ultimately does, to no avail, and then consoles his whimpering dog, saying he can't help being dumb.

Lisa, meanwhile, is starting a new quilt, beginning with a patch commemorating the old quilt’s destruction. 

Bart spends his last night with SLH trying to get him to sit, but Lisa urges him to have some fun with him instead of tormenting him. The two frolic for a while, clearly enjoying themselves, and Bart finally says he's gonna miss him, sobbing about how he doesn't understand a word he says or how important it is for him to sit…

…only for SLH to suddenly understand, sitting perfectly. Bart, shocked, tries the other commands, and he performs them all. 

The next day, SLH is awarded his certificate, and allowed to stay. We then see the fates of some of the dogs, and discover that he bit Bart, but Homer didn't mind. THE END.

And man, that's just…such a hastily wrapped-up conclusion. It doesn't feel earned enough to be satisfying. The entire episode is so poorly structured and at times deeply unpleasant to watch that I'm giving it my lowest rating yet: a 3/10. It's watchable, so I won't score it lower than that, but on the whole it was just a massive disappointment. Ah well, such is life.

So, just as a heads-up, the blog will be on hiatus for the next two weeks, due to my Halloween party next weekend and a film festival I'm working at the weekend after that. Afterwards, we will be watching the first episode of Cleopatra 2525, as requested by my friend Persimmon, followed up by the next Simpsons Sundays post, which will be on Old Money! I'll try to get to writing more bonus posts too once my schedule is a bit less hectic. Thanks as always for tuning in, please subscribe if you haven't already, and I'll see you next time!