Simpsons Sundays #32: Lisa’s Substitute

[incoherent sobbing]

Lisa’s Substitute has long been my go-to answer to the question, “What's your favorite Simpsons episode?”.

A big part of that is that it hits home for me, as a neurodivergent so-called “gifted kid” who had both some Ms. Hoovers and some Mr. Bergstroms in their childhood. I had teachers who would belittle me for being, frankly, probably smarter than them, but I also had teachers who changed my life for the better, and in many of those cases I’ve sadly lost touch with them–which only makes the climax of the episode hit harder. (Particular shoutout to Dr. Helvie; if you're reading this, I want you to know that I wound up using those skills you told me I have to become a writer. I hope you're proud of me.)

But enough Acey lore! Let's see if it holds up to my prior esteem. (Spoiler alert: it does.)

No chalkboard gag in this one–we just cut straight to the part of the intro where Homer pulls into the driveway. I'm guessing the episode ran a little long, so the intro was cut down for time. The couch gag is just the missing couch one again, not much to say there.

We open on Lisa’s classroom in chaos, while kids discuss what happened to Ms. Hoover. Janey claims she accidentally drank some drain cleaner, to which a boy insists she fell down a well. At this moment, Skinner walks a crying Ms. Hoover into the class, where she reveals that she was just diagnosed with Lyme disease and will not be teaching for a while, leaving Skinner to run the class until a substitute is arranged.

Ralph asks what Lyme disease is, and Skinner begins going into graphic detail about how ticks attach to you and how Lyme disease attacks the brain, clearly upsetting Ms. Hoover further. He then leads her out of the room before beginning a math lesson, before hearing a scream from the floor above, which he immediately pegs as being the responsibility of Bart Simpson.

Bart, as it happens, is showing off the birth of Snowball’s kittens, and talking about how she ate the gray kitten. (If I had a nickel for every show I enjoy that has a kid showing other kids graphic birth videos I'd have two nickels, which isn't a lot but it's weird that it happened twice.) Martin complains that he's traumatizing everyone, and Ms. Krabappel agrees, telling him to shut it off. Bart instead responds by hitting reverse and making the kittens “go back in.”

We see a man with cowboy spurs walk up to the second grade classroom, while Skinner tries to explain what a schwa is to the kids. Suddenly, the cowboy man enters, firing fake pistols, which I cannot stress enough WOULD NOT FLY in today’s world.

He introduces himself as the substitute, and Skinner asks if he's insane. He replies that it's just his way of getting their attention, and Skinner leaves, telling the kids to play nice with him.

The substitute says he's a Texas cowboy, the year is 1830, and to ask him anything. One kid asks if they can play kickball instead of science, which he shoots down as there's no kickball in 1830. He then realizes the kids are being awfully quiet, and asks them to point out the three things wrong with his costume to win his cowboy hat.

Lisa says she knows the answer, and he asks her her name, which she provides before pointing out that his belt buckle says “State of Texas” even though Texas wasn't a state yet in 1830, he has a historically inaccurate gun, and he appears to be Jewish, and there weren't any Jewish cowboys. The substitute accepts her answers and places the hat on her head, though he points out that he's also wearing a digital watch and there were a few Jewish cowboys.

He then introduces himself to the class as Mr. Bergstrom, and invites the kids to make fun of his name, suggesting Mr. Nerdstrom and Mr. Boogerstrom as potential options. (TRUE STORY: My ninth grade digital art/yearbook teacher, Mr. Tarbox, also invited us to mock his name. I wound up nicknaming him Mr. Starbucks one morning half on accident, because I was exhausted and desperately craving a frappuccino, and it stuck. Cool dude, hope he's doing well.)

In Ms. Krabappel’s class, the student election has just begun, and Krabappel strongly suggests the class vote for Martin. Martin vows to create a sci-fi library in the school, featuring the ABCs of science fiction authors: “Asimov, Bester, Clarke!” “What about Ray Bradbury?” asks another student. “I'm aware of his work,” Martin says dismissively. BURNNNNN! Haha get it because in Fahrenheit 451 they burn books. Hahaha. What am I doing with my life.

Mr. Bergstrom, having just fed the kids pemmican, invites them to listen to a cowboy song, saying it's not the most accurate but he'll correct it as he goes along. He bursts into Home On The Range, adding as he goes that the range was actually a very dangerous place and that cowboys, unlike the more efficient Native Americans of the region, only used the tongue of the antelope and threw the rest away. Meanwhile, an unflattering caricature of Bergstrom labeled “The Singing Dork” is being passed around the classroom, eventually landing at Lisa's desk, where he asks to see it. Lisa insists she didn't do it, but Bergstrom is impressed by the drawing, and Lisa admits that now she wishes she had done it. At that moment, a second caricature is handed to Lisa, this one dubbing her “The Singing Dorkette.”

Meanwhile, Sherri and Terri nominate Bart to be class president, demanding he give a speech. Bart says he had a speech ready, but his dog ate it. Krabappel, sick of his shit, tells him to deliver a note to the principal's office, which just says “Please keep Bart busy for a few minutes!”, and Bart asks how he'd know where the principal’s office is, earning applause from his classmates. As he leaves, Krabappel tells the kids to stop encouraging his bad behavior, but they're all distracted by him making a funny face through the window of the door.

Bergstrom, meanwhile, reads Charlotte’s Web to the kids, openly crying at the ending. Lisa is crying as well. We will all be crying by the end of the episode.

Later, Bergstrom asks Janey what her talent is, and she says she doesn't have one. After some pressing, she reveals she can touch her tongue to her nose. Ralph shows off some weird shit with his cheeks, and a third kid flips his eyelids up. When it's Lisa’s turn, Bergstrom encourages her to play her sax, but she's petrified by the prospect. Bergstrom accepts it, but tells her she owes him. It's a lot sweeter than it sounds out of context.

At the end of the school day, Lisa pokes her head into the classroom, where Krabappel is telling Bergstrom that while she's technically married, it hasn't been much of a marriage since Mr. Krabappel moved to his little “love nest,” and tries to seduce him. Bergstrom turns her down, saying he's here for the love of teaching kids. Lisa sighs dreamily. Later, Lisa plays her sax outside the window just for him, and he claps approvingly.

At home, Lisa goes on about her precocious little crush, and Marge says Homer makes her feel that way too, which Lisa struggles to accept. Homer and Bart, meanwhile, laugh her off.

As she leaves the next day, Bergstrom asks to see her, and asks if her father helps her with her homework, given how neat it always is. Lisa says homework isn't exactly her father’s specialty, and Bergstrom thinks she's being dishonest, saying there's no shame in getting help, but she assures him she's not getting any.

In the fourth grade class, the candidates are having a debate. Martin points out unacceptable levels of asbestos, but Bart counters that they need more asbestos, which the class agrees with because they're fourth graders who probably don't grasp what asbestos does that's bad.

Bart makes the front page of the fourth grade paper, which impresses Homer. Bart points out that it's just a popularity contest, which Homer responds to by saying there's nothing more important than popularity. He asks if he thinks he can win, and Bart says sure, causing Homer to cheer that he always knew he had personality. “The doctor said it was hyperactivity, but I knew better!” Once again ADHD Bart is canon. Homer tells Bart to go get ‘em, and Bart runs off growling.

We get a montage of Bart’s campaign versus Martin’s; Bart leads Martin to a sweating fit during a debate, directly apes his “A vote for Bart is a vote for anarchy” poster but uses a cooler font, and, with Homer’s help, makes a sign that says “SEX! Now that I’ve got your attention, VOTE FOR BART!,” which is one of my favorite visual gags in The Simpsons.

He then proceeds to rub a poster of Martin against his ass and tear it up in front of a crowd of cheering students, while Lisa and Bergstrom look on from above.

Lisa laments Bart’s appeal to the lowest common denominator, to which Bergstrom replies that she's gonna miss her brother’s antics. Lisa asks when, and he says when her life takes her places the rest of us only dream of. Lisa asks if there's really a place where her intelligence can be an asset instead of a liability, and Bergstrom assures her there is, telling her to believe him. Lisa says she believes every word he says, and basically calls him cute.

In class, Ralph reads a letter he wrote for Ms. Hoover, and Bergstrom tells the kids that the Springfield Museum of Natural History is closing forever in two weeks, and to see it while they can.

Marge tells Homer that Lisa needs to go to the museum, and he should take her. Homer tries to think of excuses, eventually settling on spending time with Bart. Marge is insistent however, saying she's worried about his relationship with his daughter. Bart chimes in that he agrees. Homer tries again to think of an excuse, but fails miserably, and agrees to take Lisa.

At the museum, Homer asks what's meant by “suggested donation,” and roasts the lady at the counter for thinking people will pay. At that moment Mr. Bergstrom approaches, being people who will in fact pay. Homer tells him to read the sign, and Bergstrom notes that he must be Lisa’s father.

Bergstrom tells Lisa about all the exhibits as they go through the museum as a trio, while Homer embarrasses himself by saying he'd rather be chased by a mummy than a wolfman. Lisa is clearly ashamed of her father, and Bergstrom can obviously tell.

At the children's center of the museum, Bergstrom tells Homer that he's noticed that Lisa feels she has no strong male role model. Homer is upset by his failures, but Bergstrom urges him to be a bigger man, saying Lisa has a bright future. Homer says that if he likes her so much he should give her an A, which Bergstrom responds he's already doing. Homer thinks this was a favor, to Bergstrom’s chagrin. Lisa is disgusted.

At home, Lisa is upset that Homer ruined her one chance to know Mr. Bergstrom outside of school, so Marge suggests they invite him to dinner. Lisa is thrilled, and plans to find out his favorite dish. Lisa rehearses how she'll ask him over the next day, but when she opens the door to the classroom, she finds that Ms. Hoover is back, to her despair.

In class, Hoover explains that her illness was psychosomatic, and the students debate whether that means she was crazy or faking it, so she tells them it was a little of both. Lisa asks where Mr. Bergstrom is, and Hoover dismisses her, saying she'd like to speak with him herself; he didn't touch her lesson plan. She asks what he taught them, and Lisa tearfully responds, “That life is worth living,” before running out of the classroom crying.

Meanwhile, the fourth grade class is counting votes. Martin looks visibly ill, but Bart is already planning a victory party.

Lisa runs through town looking for Bergstrom, only to find he's moved out of his apartment in Springfield. She does, however, learn from a neighbor of his that he's taking the next train to Capitol City, and she sighs dreamily at how perfect the train is for him. The neighbor agrees, equally dreamily, and Lisa notes that he touched her too.

At the afterparty, Bart discovers that no one actually voted…except Martin and Wendell. Obviously, Martin defeats Bart, and we get an excellent Dewey Defeats Truman joke with the school paper.

Mr. Bergstrom is about to board the train, but Lisa stops him, demanding to know why he's leaving just like that. He explains that it's the life of a substitute teacher, and Lisa begs him to stay, saying he's the best teacher she'll ever have. Bergstrom insists they need him in the projects of Capitol City, but Lisa insists she needs him here. Bergstrom tells her that's the problem with being middle-class: “Anyone who really cares will abandon you for those who need it more.” Lisa tearfully admits she understands, and hugs Bergstrom, saying she'll miss him. Bergstrom writes her a note, telling her to look at it whenever she needs it, and boards the train. Lisa says she'll just run alongside it as it speeds him from her life, and does so, with Bergstrom shouting to her that it'll be okay. “Just read the note!”

And she does.

“You are Lisa Simpson.” I start tearing up as always.

At dinner, Homer complains about Bart losing, then asks what Lisa’s so mopey about. Lisa says it's nothing, but Marge is clearly concerned, and Lisa admits that Mr. Bergstrom left and Homer wouldn't understand. Homer objects–”Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!” Lisa yells at Homer that he's a baboon, and runs off in tears. Homer is offended, but Marge tells him that Lisa needs him to restore her confidence in him.

Homer goes up to Lisa’s room, and fumbles his way through things, even breaking her dollhouse by accident, wishing he knew what to say. He turns on a music box, hoping it'll help, and says that he knows she lost someone really special. He says he's lucky that he's never lost anyone special to him, and that everyone special to him is under this roof, and tells Lisa that there's lots of special people out there for her. He assures her that while he doesn't really get all these things, he can at least fix her dollhouse, because he's good at “monkey work.” He then begins making ape noises, making Lisa laugh, and picks her up. Lisa apologizes for calling him a baboon, and Homer tells her not to worry about it.

Homer then goes to Bart’s room, where Bart laments how if he and just a few friends of his had voted he would've won. Homer points out that Bart wouldn't have gotten anything out of being class president, and that Martin has a bunch of extra work to do now, which cheers him up.

Finally, he passes by Maggie's room, where she's lost her pacifier, and gently pops it back in her mouth. “Three for three.”

Homer approaches Marge in the kitchen, where she asks if he straightened everything out, but Homer shushes her, telling her they should just go to bed. “I'm on the biggest roll of my life.”

God, this is literally the perfect Simpsons episode. In addition to making me cry, it's also got SO many funny little moments, and the story is so perfectly character-focused, with both the A and B plots working utterly flawlessly as character pieces for Lisa and Bart, respectively. It’s also perfectly paced to boot, with no part really feeling like it drags and every minute of runtime feeling well-used. Easy 10/10. No questions there.

Next week we'll be covering episode 4 of Gushing Over Magical Girls, because Marisa is a very generous patron, and the week after that it's time for The War Of The Simpsons! Now that I'm taking less insane classes I should be able to keep up pretty easily. Thanks as always for reading, be sure to subscribe and tell a friend, and I'll see you guys next time!