Simpsons Sundays #5: Bart The General

war……war is hell…….bruh

Much like being dropped into a war zone after living in comfort your whole life, there is little preamble to Bart The General. There is no chalkboard gag, no couch gag; you're just thrown right into the episode after a severely shortened version of the theme song. Presumably, the episode just ran long and the intro had to be cut to account for that, but I think it works thematically anyway.

Instead, we open with Homer opening the oven to discover cupcakes baking, which Marge tells him not to touch, since Lisa made them for her teacher’s birthday. Bart, of course, does not listen to any of this, and attempts to nab one for himself. Lisa and Marge admonish him, and Bart calls Lisa out on being a “butt kisser.” 

Homer disagrees with this being a bad thing, telling Bart that it never hurts to “grease the wheels a little.” Lisa insists she's not doing that, and that she genuinely likes her teacher, but Homer is dismissive. “A cupcake here, a good grade there!” Lisa, of course, is adamant that she gets good grades because she's smart and pays attention and studies hard, but Homer continues to disregard her. 

Just then, the school bus arrives, and Bart and Lisa run off. Homer tries to steal a cupcake as they leave, but Lisa yoinks it from his hand.

The siblings board the bus, where Bart vents to Otto about how Lisa won't share her cupcakes. Lisa, however, made an extra one for Otto, which Bart is visibly annoyed by. 

As the bus takes off, Bart tries to hold the cupcakes as a “favor” to his sister, but Lisa is having none of it. Bart proceeds to call Lisa a bunch of names that all boil down to “brown-noser,” and Lisa remarks that now he’ll never get one. Bart, recognizing that he's fucked up, apologizes, and Lisa rubs it in his face, asking what he likes best about her. Bart responds that he likes her generous nature, with obvious intent, but it works, kinda. Lisa tells him to open his mouth and close his eyes, and shoves a cupcake that fell on the floor into his mouth.

At school, Lisa hands out cupcakes to her classmates, but a bully accosts her and steals the box. Bart gets defensive over his sister (awwww!) and threatens him with a fist, but Lisa discourages him, as the bully is a friend of the dreaded Nelson Muntz. The lesser bully crushes the box of cupcakes underfoot as Nelson emerges, picking Bart up by the collar and tossing him to the ground…but not without Bart getting a good hit in.

One of the school kids points out that Nelson is bleeding, and after a moment of confusion, Nelson realizes that he really is. Bart tries to assure Nelson that it was a mistake, but no one is having it, Nelson least of all. Skinner approaches at this moment, leading us to believe he'll intervene, but uh…he doesn't. Nelson says he'll see Bart after class, and Skinner just rushes Bart off to his classroom. Gotta say, not exactly great principal-ing here.

In class, Bart has a surreal daydream about a giant, invulnerable Nelson chasing him, not reacting to a barrage of knives or gunfire, before finally…look, I don't know how else to say it, voring Bart. (I wonder, did this sequence give any kids watching a fetish later down the line? Let me know in the comments if you're a vore fetishist who was converted by this scene, because I'm positive there's at least one of you out there in the world.) 

Bart is jolted out of his reverie by Milhouse informing him that it's lunchtime, to which Bart laments that he's not getting out of the fourth grade alive. On their way to lunch, Milhouse urges Bart to tell Skinner about his fears, but Bart refuses to squeal, as it would violate The Code Of The Schoolyard. More on that later.

They enter the cafeteria, where Lisa proudly announces the arrival of her brother, “Bart the Bully Killer,” to cheers from everybody. Bart discourages this response, saying he doesn't want to make a big deal out of it because he fears for his safety. As it turns out, there's a good reason for this, as Nelson pushes through the crowd with his cohorts right on cue. 

(Side note: the lesser bullies’ designs are basically identical save for skin color and shirt color, and this is a problem, because they keep swapping shirt colors. I can absolutely see how this would've happened, but it's distracting!)

Bart insists it was all a mistake and tries to explain himself, but Nelson insists he'll see him at the flagpole at 3:15. His comrades tell Bart to be prompt, as he's got several other beatings scheduled that afternoon. I guess Nelson is good at time management, at least?

Bart has another daydream, this time imagining his funeral, where everyone is paying their last respects. It's a very funny scene, and hilariously self-serving on Bart’s end; Skinner says Bart was right about all that homework being a waste of his time, Homer sobs over his body (after making a crack about getting the day off work), and Lisa mournfully places a cupcake on his forehead. And then, of course, Nelson shows up to steal the cupcake and punch Bart’s corpse one last time, because why would he not?

Cut to the schoolyard as the bell rings, where Bart tries to hide but fails, and gets his ass royally pummeled by Nelson before being stuffed in a trash can and rolled down the street. Conveniently, the can stops right outside the Simpson abode, and Bart stumbles inside, battered and bruised. 

A concerned Marge asks Bart what happened to him, and Bart says he paid the inevitable price for helping his sister. Homer says he hopes he won his little scuffle, because Homer is an idiot and apparently blind, as Bart staggers off to the bathroom to curl up in the tub.

Homer follows Bart up there, and says his mother has the “fool idea” that he might be upset. Bart pleads for help, sobbing, and honestly it's really pitiful. Like, Bart is clearly fucked up about this. Homer insists that he doesn't want Marge to see him crying, and dries Bart’s tears with a blow dryer before asking him what the problem is. NORMAL RESPONSE

Bart admits that he had a run-in with a bully, and clearly Marge’s Mommy Sense was tingling because she immediately bursts in and urges Bart to go to the principal. Homer says he'd rather Bart die than violate The Code Of The Schoolyard: don't tattle, always make fun of those different from you, and never say anything unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do. Marge finds this absurd, and tells Bart to try being understanding. She suggests that Nelson being a bit chunky and in all the same special classes as Bart (god, poor Bart needs an ADHD assessment) is why he lashes out. 

Homer disagrees, and instead takes Bart down to the living room to practice fighting dirty. Throw mud in Nelson’s eyes and hit him while he's stumbling around blindly! Get him when his back is turned! HIT THAT MOTHERFUCKER RIGHT IN THE FAMILY JEWELS!! 

The next day, Bart tries Homer’s tactics, while his mental image of his father looks on. They, uh…they don't work particularly well in practice against a bigger, tougher boy, and Bart is rolled home in a garbage can once again. This time, Lisa is sitting on the curb eating ice cream, and suggests Bart talk to the “toughest Simpson alive,” Grampa, alluding to what a fight he put up when they put him in the home.

Cut to the Springfield Retirement Home, which has yet to become the Retirement Castle, where Bart says he's looking for Grampa. Of course, since he doesn't specify, every old man in the home pokes their heads out. When he does specify, everyone grumbles and goes back into their rooms. Good gag! I like it.

Grampa, as it happens, is busy writing a letter expressing his disgust with how old people on TV are portrayed as “vibrant, fun-loving sex maniacs” and insisting that many of them are “bitter, resentful individuals who remember the good old days, when entertainment was bland and inoffensive.” He then adds a list of words he never wants to hear on TV again: “bra,” “horny,” and naturally, “family jewels.” Honestly this whole bit is such a perfect introduction to Grampa as a character, and I tip my hat to the Simpsons writers for it. 

At this point, Bart enters and explains his situation. Grampa says he'd best stand up for himself, or bullies will pick on him for the rest of his life, before immediately getting bullied by Jasper for his newspaper. Grampa admits that he can't help Bart, but says he knows someone who can, and takes him to the military memorabilia shop.

Here, we meet Herman, a bit of a legacy character who never really got his due. He lets Grampa and Bart in after Grampa gives the password (which happens to be “let me in, you idiot”), and the two of them shoot the shit for a moment–apparently Herman sells authentic Nazi underpants–before Grampa introduces him to Bart. Bart asks Herman if he lost his arm in the war, to which Herman simply responds that next time he's told to keep his arm inside the bus window, he should just do it. Fun fact, apparently this was supposed to be a running joke with Herman early on, that every time his missing arm came up he'd give a different explanation, but as far as I know it never comes up again, so I guess this is the canonical explanation for it. 

Grampa explains that Bart’s dealing with a bully and needs a strategy, and Herman asks how many men Bart has. Bart replies none, and Herman says he'll need more, and to train them, hard. He pulls out a map, telling Bart that the key to Springfield has always been Elm Street. (“The Greeks knew it. The Carthaginians knew it. Now you know it.”) He then says he'll need a declaration of war, and pulls out one from the Franco-Prussian war to use. Bart whispers to Grampa that he thinks this guy's a little nuts, but Grampa simply responds that George S. Patton was a little nuts…”and THIS guy is completely out of his mind! WE CAN’T FAIL!”

The next day at school, we see a note being passed around, urging all who hate and fear Nelson to meet at Bart’s treehouse. Naturally, we cut there next, where Bart stumbles in late after another beating. He begins to give a speech, and says he can't promise victory or good times, which causes most of the kids to start to leave before he backtracks. 

What follows is a group of young boys wearing army helmets and marching in formation, reciting a call-and-response rhyme. “I got a B in arithmetic/Would've got an A but I was sick.”

The boys partake in military exercises on the playground, before continuing their march. “We are rubber, you are glue/It bounces off of us and sticks to you.”

This image right here? Iconic.

They trudge through the forest, continuing their exercises and running from vicious dogs. One boy is having second thoughts, and Bart slaps him, saying he won't have cowards in his army…to which Grampa responds by slapping Bart, because “you can push them out of a plane, you can march them off a cliff, you can send them off to die on some godforsaken rock…but for some reason, you can't slap them.”

More marching. “In English class I did the best/Because I cheated on the test.”

A simulated attack on Nelson occurs, here taking the form of a punching bag. The boys attack; Herman goes apeshit and slashes the bag with a knife. You know, NORMAL PERSON BEHAVIOR.

One last marching shot, into the sunset. “We are happy, we are merry/We've got a rhyming dictionary!” Perfect ending. No notes.

After this training montage, we see Bart, Lisa, Grampa, and Herman at the treehouse, looking over their strategy. Milhouse pokes his head in to say that Nelson is at the arcade, where Bart comments he shakes kids down for quarters before heading to the Kwik-E-Mart for a cherry Squishee, where they'll start the “saturation bombing,” or water balloon attack. (Weirdly enough, it's spelled Quick-E-Mart here, but I'll disregard that bit of early installment weirdness.) Bart calls for his army to head to their battle stations, and Grampa waxes poetic about how he's getting to see war again, because Grampa is a very well-adjusted person.

Bart approaches Nelson and his friends as they leave the Kwik-E-Mart, saying he's gonna have to teach them a lesson. Nelson taunts, “You and what army?”, and Bart, obviously, responds, “This one.” Cue dozens of kids poking out of their hiding spots, as Bart calls to commence the saturation bombing.

Nelson is positively pelted with water balloons from all directions, sending him running through town. As he passes the Simpson house, Homer yells about the commotion, leading Grampa to attack his own son with a water balloon with a laugh. 

The bullies are soon cornered, and Nelson’s cohorts surrender, insisting they were just following orders. The army then proceeds to focus their assault on Nelson, leaving the kid curled up on the ground soaked before being tied up and paraded throughout town. We get a parody of the famous end of World War II kiss photo here with an unknown boy kissing Lisa, which Lisa responds to with a punch. Good on her, tbh.

Bart goes to untie Nelson, but Nelson says that as soon as he does, he'll beat him to death, and notes that he'll have to untie him eventually regardless. Fortunately, Herman was prepared for this, and takes Bart and a still-bound Nelson into the house to sign an official treaty of peace. Marge asks them if they're done playing war, and when they answer in the affirmative, she gives cupcakes to everyone. Hooray!

The episode isn't quite over yet, though, as Bart still needs to give us a PSA. He states that despite the episode’s portrayal, war is neither glamorous nor fun, and that there are no good wars, except for the Revolutionary War, World War II, and the Star Wars trilogy. Finally, he tells us that we can learn more about war from our local library, where many of the books contain “cool gory pictures,” and wishes us peace. A fittingly absurd ending to an episode with a pretty absurd–though still grounded–premise.

I really liked Bart The General. I'd say it's easily the best episode yet–the characterization is spot-on, the humor is great, and the pacing feels pretty good! I'm gonna give it a solid 8/10. It could easily fit in within the classic era.

Hope you've enjoyed this post, and I'll see you next time for Moaning Lisa!