Simpsons Sundays #8: The Telltale Head

remember: never try to be cool

Here's the thing: despite how it's told, The Telltale Head is a remarkably straightforward story. Kid wants to fit in, kid does something foolish and harmful in an attempt to do so, kid feels remorse and makes amends. It's almost clichéd, although the townsfolk's torches-and-pitchforks response is definitely a nice touch.

Of course, there's more to a Simpsons episode than just the plot. The Telltale Head offers some banger jokes, and it introduces some secondary characters who will serve the show for decades to come. But you came here for an in-depth overview, not a mere two-paragraph preamble that barely even explains the plot! Onto the show.

I really like the chalkboard gags that raise new and troubling questions about Bart’s behavior at school. What context did he claim to see Elvis in? Were they taking a test or something and he jumped up and was like, “HEY EVERYBODY ELVIS IS RIGHT OUTSIDE LOOK OUT THE WINDOW”? Or is Mrs. Krabappel just not a fan of celebrity conspiracies? Much to ponder.

NOT SO MUCH WITH THE COUCH GAG WHICH IS LITERALLY JUST THE EXACT SAME ONE FROM BART THE GENIUS JESUS CHRIST WE’RE ONLY EIGHT EPISODES IN WE DO NOT NEED TO RECYCLE THESE YET.

ANYWAY, we open on Homer and Bart walking through town at night, carrying the severed head of town founder Jebediah Springfield. Or, rather, a statue of him. Homer admits to “pulling a few boners” in his day (PHRASING, HOMER), but insists that most people are pretty nice if you give them a chance–an insistence that is undercut by the fact that they are then accosted by an angry mob, flaming torches and all. As they are chased, the episode title appears on screen, which is definitely nonstandard and I'm not entirely sure why they did it here. Maybe because the title kinda explains the homage? I dunno.

The Simpsons boys hide behind the headless statue, and Homer refuses to leave his son’s side. As the mob closes in on them, Bart climbs atop the statue, and begs them to spare their lives, insisting they hear the story of how they got there. Barney asks how long the story will take, and Bart says, “About 23 minutes and 5 seconds.” Very meta! 

As Bart tells it, it all started Sunday morning, and we flash back to just then. Marge waits at the bottom of the stairs, telling her children to hurry up. Maggie toddles down the stairs hand-in-hand with Lisa, whereas Bart slides down the banister. I'm not gonna lie, I was absolutely the same as a kid and honestly still kinda am. Marge compliments Lisa and Maggie on their Sunday finery, and then frisks Bart to ensure he's not sneaking any contraband into the Lord’s house. She finds a slingshot, dice, and a comic book, and then finds Homer standing on the couch, watching a football game that he's bet on. Marge gets on Homer’s case about sports betting, but he's having none of it, of course. 

They drive to church, and Homer struggles to find the game on the radio. When they arrive, Bart exits the car absolutely vibing to music on his Walkman, which again, huge mood. And hey, I guess that's where that gif comes from!

Marge, however, is not okay with this, and confiscates Bart’s Walkman. Sorry, “personal stereo.” She questions whether Bart was going to listen to ROCK MUSIC in SUNDAY SCHOOL (gasp!!), and Bart simply responds, “Maybe.”

Homer, meanwhile, is still sitting in the car, listening to the game. Marge asks if he was planning to stay there until the game ended, and Homer, echoing his son, says, “Maybe.” Marge chews Homer out for his “irreverent attitude” being the reason Bart thought he could get away with bringing headphones into Sunday School, and makes the mistake of dumping the Walkman right next to him.

Cut to Sunday School, where Jamie and Lisa ask the teacher if their dead pets will be in Heaven, and the teacher responds that they won't, because “Heaven is for people.” I think this is BULLSHIT. Any Heaven without our departed animal companions is no Heaven at all. Milhouse asks if there are any cavemen in Heaven, which the teacher also dismisses, though she doesn't give any reasoning. I feel like cavemen probably still counted as human, though, so even by the teacher’s logic, shouldn't they have souls? Did they all just commit a ton of grievous sins and earn unilateral damnation or something? MUCH TO PONDER. Bart asks if gangrenous limbs will be waiting for you in Heaven, and the teacher responds, “For the last time, Bart, the answer is yes.” I love this scene so much, it's so funny to me. 

Meanwhile, inside the sanctuary, Reverend Lovejoy preaches on the evils of gambling. Not that Homer is paying the slightest lick of attention; he’s using his son’s Walkman to tune into the game. The way the scene is done is kinda neat–we hear the game in place of the remainder of Lovejoy’s sermon, but the camera focuses on Lovejoy for a bit, making it look as though he's the one speaking. I dunno, I just like that detail, it's interesting. The sportscaster calls a play “good,” and Homer forgets that he's, y'know, in an active church service, shouting “It's good! IT’S GOOD!!” He then realizes where he is, and pivots to saying that it's good to see everyone in church. Lovejoy isn't fooled, nor is Marge, and both tell Homer to sit down.

Back in Sunday School, the increasingly frazzled teacher explains that the ventriloquist goes to Heaven, but the dummy doesn't. Bart asks, “What about a robot with a human brain?”, and the teacher breaks down, begging the kids to have a little blind faith. The kids then run out happily.

After the service, Lovejoy greets parishioners, and comments that he seems to have struck a chord with Homer, who is of course completely oblivious. On the drive home, Marge calls Homer out for embarrassing the family, and says he should've listened to the sermon about gambling. Homer asks if he said maybe it was okay under certain circumstances, which Marge shuts down. She then asks Lisa and Bart what they learned in Sunday School, and Bart says they learned, among other things, that apes can't get into Heaven. Homer thinks this is ridiculous, saying he can understand them not letting in “jungle apes,” but that they should allow the “really smart ones” who “live among us” and smoke cigars and such. 

They pass a theater showing Space Mutants 4, and Bart begs to be let out. Marge refuses, saying the movies are too violent. Of course, as soon as they get home, Bart asks Homer for five bucks, with both conspicuously denying that it's for a certain movie, and Homer agrees. “Share the wealth, that's what I always say!” HOMER SIMPSON: SOCIALIST ICON??

Bart quickly changes into his regular clothes, and skateboards out his second-story window using the rope swing from his treehouse as leverage, which is honestly extremely impressive. He makes his way down to the theater, but upon a certain older boy calling him “hot dog,” he crashes directly into a lamp post.

The older boy sarcastically “compliments” his dismount, and Bart gets up, saying it didn't hurt. The other older boy there says to do it again, and Bart retorts that he might smack his face and wind up looking like him. He threatens Bart, but his companion says to leave him alone, saying he likes his wit. Jimbo, the one who likes the cut of Bart’s jib, introduces himself and Kearney, and Bart comments that he's the worst kid in school. The trio is completed when Dolph sticks his head out the door into the alley and says the coast is clear, and the older boys start to sneak into the theater. Bart comments that this is “practically stealing,” to which Kearney replies that it IS stealing. Bart, however, doesn't object to this; he just wanted to be sure everyone was being honest about their actions here.

The boys watch the movie, and annoy the theater by making fart sounds. In short order, they're thrown out by theater staff, and Jimbo brags to Bart that he's been thrown out of all four Space Mutants movies. Being who he is, Bart is impressed.

They then head to the Kwik-E-Mart, where Bart orders four Squishees. Apu warns the other boys that he's watching them, and then proceeds to turn his back and make the Squishees, giving them the perfect opportunity to stuff their pockets with pilfered snacks while Bart waits, oblivious. He pays for the Squishees, repeating Homer’s line about sharing the wealth (BART SIMPSON: SOCIALIST ICON???), but when he turns around, the other boys are nowhere to be seen.

He leaves the Kwik-E-Mart and finds them sitting on the hood of a car, enjoying their stolen treats and reading a dirty magazine. Bart asks how they got all that great stuff, and Dolph explains they got a “five-finger discount,” which bothers me a little. None of these characters has five fingers. They should not have such a concept. Ah well, writers can't count so I guess it's not surprising. Jimbo thanks Bart for covering for them, and Bart looks a bit horrified.

They head to the town square, where they throw rocks at the statue of Jebediah Springfield. Bart objects, expressing how admirable their town founder is, but the older boys just say, “So?” Bart, desperately craving approval, takes a rock and throws it right between the statue’s eyes, summoning the attention of a shopkeeper–who I think is calling the kids “little thugs,” but it sure sounds like a different word that begins with F and cannot be used on primetime television. The boys walk off laughing, and go off to drink their Squishees and watch clouds.

They see numerous creatively violent images in the clouds, except for Bart, who sees the Springfield statue…minus the head. Jimbo says he wishes someone really would cut his head off, and the other older boys agree that would be cool. Bart reminds them that Jebediah Springfield killed a bear with his bare hands, and the others accuse him of being gay for Springfield and tell him to beat it, laughing at him as he trudges off.

On his way home, though, Bart passes the statue again, and he gets an idea…

At home, Homer looks over a bowling ball catalog, excitedly pointing out various features to Maggie, who is simply Too Babey To Care Or Understand. Bart then approaches him, asking how important it is to be popular. Homer replies that it's the most important thing in the world, which, uh, yeah, that's certainly Some Advice He Just Gave. Bart asks if that means it's okay to do something bad if it means people will like him, and Homer asks if he's planning on killing someone. When Bart responds in the negative, Homer says to run along and do his mischief. GREAT PARENTING

Bart sneaks out that night, in full ninja gear, even depositing Snowball II outside so she doesn't wake anyone. He gets to the statue, pulls out a saw, and saws its head off…

…and then he asks, “What have I done?”

The next morning, Bart wakes, and is startled by the head still lying in his bed next to him. Marge asks from downstairs if he's alright, and Bart nervously lies that he's fine. 

In the kitchen, Homer continues to read the bowling catalog, and Lisa educates him on what Valhalla is. Bart enters the room, hiding the head in his backpack, and tries to act casual, but OBVIOUSLY the radio takes this time to broadcast a BREAKING NEWS BULLETIN about the decapitation of the statue, with Chief Wiggum urging anyone with information to “dial O and ask for the police.” Everyone reacts in horror, and while Bart tries to play it off as “just a statue,” his family clearly feels differently. The school bus arrives, and Lisa has to be coaxed to leave in her despair, but Bart is visibly desperate to get the fuck outta dodge.

We see the reactions to the news around Springfield, from Moe’s Tavern to the Retirement Castle. Okay, just those two places, but that’s enough to get the vibe.

Bart, meanwhile, approaches the bad boys, who are lounging on the grass right in front of a “keep off the grass” sign. Excellent detail, I love it. They tell him that they've been wanting to meet whoever cut the statue’s head off…to tear them limb from limb. Bart is confused, noting that just yesterday they'd said it would be cool, but they dismiss that as just “cloud talk,” and Jimbo says he'd never cut the head off a man who iced a bear with his bare hands, before asking Bart what's in the bag. Bart is obviously panicked, and hears the voice of the head telling him to tell the truth, but runs off instead, being taunted by the head as he flees. WONDER WHAT EDGAR ALLAN POE STORY THIS COULD BE A REFERENCE TO??

Bart arrives home to Lisa and Maggie watching Krusty on TV, who is urging viewers to turn in whoever cut the head off the statue. Any useful tips will get you a free slide whistle, just like Off-Model Sideshow Bob has! Seriously, what's with this design? It's so close and yet so far.

Bart, freaking the fuck out, tries to bury the head in the backyard that night, while the head tries to talk him out of it, saying that he can be a hero by showing courage. Bart responds that he's running short on courage at the moment, and dumps the head in the freshly-dug hole, but his expression shows he’s having second thoughts.

In the living room, the rest of the Simpsons watch a documentary on Jebediah Springfield, which admits that recent evidence shows that the bear probably killed him instead of vice-versa. At this point, Bart comes in, brandishing the statue’s head.

Homer responds furiously, and Bart explains he wanted some bad kids to like him, because someone said being popular was the most important thing in the world. Homer admits to having some responsibility here, and takes Bart to go see the authorities…which brings us right back to the beginning of the episode, boner mentions and all. 

Bart wraps up his story, finishing, “And if you still want to tear apart this young Sunday School student as he stands on the brink of salvation, I await your wrath.” This emotional manipulation works, and the mob calms down, allowing Bart to place the head back on the statue, begging its forgiveness, which the head grants. Burns, in the mob, tells Smithers he loves him, and Smithers says the feeling is “more than mutual.” 

Also, there appears to be a somewhat more on-model Sideshow Bob in the crowd here, so like, what's up with that?

Homer carries Bart home, congratulating him on a good job, but reminding him that “most lynch mobs aren't this nice.” Truly an important lesson to learn. THE END.

So like, the thing is, this episode is definitely funny, but at the same time…the plot is a tiny bit clichéd in places, and structurally it's a bit of a mess. I don't know if I really got this across here, but so much of the episode is leadup to the decapitation, with a lot less runtime devoted to the aftermath. Plus, the plotline with Homer gambling just kinda vanishes after the first act, so I'm not quite sure why it was there to begin with? Still, it's not a bad episode at all, just not the best of the season. I'll give it a 6/10, I think. It’d be higher if the pacing didn’t bug me so much.

I'm sorry for the delay last week–I had a nasty bug all week and just felt like death warmed over! But I'm on the mend, and on top of that my chronic health issues are FINALLY being treated, so hey! Hope you enjoyed, please remember to subscribe and share, and join me next week for Life On The Fast Lane!